India

Well, I told myself that I needed to process things more. After what happened this spring in Romania, I was torn up. It took me about 9 months to really heal my relationship with God. During this time, I was ministering and discipling like normal! I didn't feel like I was ministering out of emptiness more than usual, I think there was a lot of grace there, but my relationship with God was growing stagnant. Every time I took a baby step forward, it seemed like I would hit a wall. Most of the time it was a wall that I built because it was so painful to move forward. God wasn't a God of compassion, trust, or promises. His plans were higher than mine, but that didn't mean they were good. I tried so hard to trust him, but I couldn't lay it all down at his feet. Letting go was too painful. God gave me a promise one night when I was praying alone. I told Him I wanted to trust Him again. He said I wouldn't trust him until I saw redemption in this situation. I took that to mean that He would make everything right. I wanted him to come with a bang. To supernaturally rescue every child from that place. To heal their hurts and soothe their hearts. But that isn't what God had in mind. Like the time God spoke to Moses, God wasn't in the storm, He was in the whisper.
One afternoon, I had a little bit of free time at the orphanage and I felt a little tug from God. I grabbed my Bible and my journal and I climbed up to the highest spot on the orphanage. I looked out at the fields and the trees and had a few moments of worship. God made nature and it is a masterpiece. I see Him in every green growing thing and every cloud. He is beautiful. After that I sat down and read from the Bible, from Leviticus actually. Earlier that week, I had been enjoying the nuggets of God's character I was getting from the laws, but here I was unsatisfied. So I closed the Bible and just prayed. I told God like I had many times in the past that I wanted Him back. My head knew so many truths but my heart just didn't want to follow yet. I asked Him the toughest question I could think of, one that I hadn't had the guts to ask yet. I asked Him where he was when those 2 girls were dieing of thirst. He answered right away, more clearly that he had answered in months. He said, "I was giving them drinks of Living Water." I started crying. I asked if they were there with Him and He said yes.
Ever since then, my hunger, my intimacy, the things that had been missing from my relationship with God... they were all back. He was just waiting for me to lay down my burdens. I learned a little about my personality this year. I am the personality type called melancholy, basically I am a thinker, an emotional, passionate person. I love my passion, I can't imagine life without the passions God has given me. It is one of my strengths, but with that comes a weakness. I can get overwhelmed with the worlds troubles, I can have trouble letting go of pain and giving it to God. Like pride, I think this will be a life long lesson.
Before I left for India, Kali and Zach were praying with me about my pain about those 2 girls and about my trip to India. Zach said he thought God was preparing some one for me to process things with. He laughed and said he wasn't getting a prophetic vision of a husband or anything. My curiosity was piqued. I already had a few mentor type relationships. I already had strong friendship where iron could sharpen iron, the only kind of relationship I was missing was a romantic relationship. That wasn't what God was talking about and I wasn't in a steady emotional state to start one anyways. But I really think God was saying that He was going to process things with me. I think our relationship is entering a new level. The last 9 month sucked, but I really think I am entering into a new place, a deeper place. As much as it may hurt, I look forward to where God is going to take me.