Enter, Spirit

I think I may have experienced radical inner healing. Let me explain.
When I heard that the 2 girls from Marin Pazon had died, I cried for hours the first chance I was alone. Next time, I was alone, I cried for a few more hours. I knew I needed help, so I prayed (with more crying) and talked to one of the mentor type people I have in my life (with still more crying). Lather, rinse, repeat. I spent the next 9 months battling what I can now identify as depression in the form of a faith crisis. You know those commercials for anti-depressants, where the people lay in bed in a dark room looking forlorn? Or they stare out a dirty window watching others have fun doing things they used to enjoy? It was kind of like that, except real.
The sadness wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that my Comforter was gone. I tried and tried, but no matter how I twisted it, God was culpable for their deaths in some ways. God killed my children. God killed my sisters. I was angry. So angry I wanted to throw things. After that I was sad and hurt. Why would He do this to them? I thought He was Good.
During this terribly dark time in my life, my relationship with God grew stagnant. I don't think I ever considered actually falling away from him, but the personal and intimate part of our relationship was dissolving and I was building walls. I stopped having Jesus time. Every time I would draw near, I would just sob and writhe in pain. Eventually, all motivation to seek after God fell away.
Towards the end of the quarter I met with Michelle and she asked me how I was doing spiritually. After a few pointed and deliberate questions, the truth came out. Even though I could control my inclination to sob now, things were not doing well. We walked to a park and sat down and she said we needed to heal this, so we prayed. She said I needed to ask God the hard questions. Ask him where he was and what he was doing during the times I felt he had failed. So I did.
I asked him where he was when I left Elena? Why did he ask me to leave her alone, with no one to feed her and sit with her. I asked, but I didn't receive an answer. Michelle did. She said she got this picture of God sitting down by her and taking up her hand and holding it. Its funny, Elena was completely non-verbal. When she wanted something, she would point with a frantic look on her face until you got it right. When she didn't want something, she would grab your hand and pull you down next to her and just pet you. I think God was saying, she was satisfied.
I asked a few more questions, and the whole process helped. I wasn't really hearing a whole lot of God's voice. But together with Michelle, we were pulling down walls brick by brick.
One afternoon in India, we had a bit of free time and I felt God's call in the back of my mind. It had been so long since that happened, I was both excited and apprehensive. What was this going to look like? It wasn't a good time to have an emotional breakdown.
I climbed up to the top of the orphanage and looked out over the tree tops. It was misty and tropical and beautiful. There were workers in the rice fields and a herd of ducks were playing in a group of puddles. It was gorgeous. Then I sat down and read a little of the Bible. But that wasn't what God had in mind.
I closed my book and my eyes and I decided I would ask God the hardest question I could. I said, "where were you when those girls were dying of dehydration?"
God answered right away, "I was giving them drinks of Living Water."
I was floored.
They were with them in heaven. He had called them home. I cried a few silent tears and then went downstairs with no one the wiser.
After that day, I realized that the hunger and the intimacy were back, but last night I realized something else had returned. The Holy Spirit.
At DCF last night was the first real worship time I had had time for since that day. During the singing, I got a really clear sense of what was going on the in DCF body. I asked God if he wanted my to get on the mic and share. He gently said it wasn't necessary and I smiled as another student, one of the campus pastors, and our guest speaker talked about what God had been laying on my heart for the group.
Lately I have been meditating on the dual meaning of brokenness in the Bible. God wants us to be broken and contrite before him, but he also wants to make us mature and complete. During the last few months, I was an expert at being broken. It kind of sucked. It really sucked. But now I am both broken and whole. I bow before the great I AM, Yahweh, God the Father and I am lifted up on wings like eagles, planted by streams of living water, princess and daughter of the Healer. Forever and ever. Amen.