Legacy

Now, don't think I didn't know that I was blogging about the same Jesus story two times in a row. I knew full well that I was telling the same story. And you know what? I will tell it over and over again. To myself. To my friends. To my mentors and those who I mentor. Jesus healed me. Also, this blog isn't really to update anyone on my life. Its more like a journal that I can't lose but that I really don't mind if people read. So if you are reading, consider yourself warned. I don't really care if you understand what I am saying or not, this is a personal exercise.
At the end of freshman year of college, DCF had a mini-theme about the kind of legacy we were going to leave behind in college and in life. It really stuck with me and I have been thinking about it on and off ever since then. Last spring, before emotional disaster struck, I felt God really tug on my heart. I felt a strong calling to a life of service, but I really didn't know what God wanted that to look like. Then my mind was blown away with other things and I didn't even have the mental capacity to be confused about it. But a little before Christmas break started, I began thinking back on it again. God began birthing a new desire in my heart. Like all births, there is pain and confusion, but those aren't the parts you remember. Its the wonder and beauty of having a miracle laid in your arms that stick with you. This desire was the desire to truly live to be forgotten. What if I gave God everything I had? What if I never owned a house, or had kids, or did any of the other mundane, comfortable things that girls sometimes dream of? What if God's children were all the kids I needed? What if I lived everyday in God's house, grander than the most fabulous mansion?
Its a beautiful thought, the sacrifice and self denial, but I'm not as naive as I used to be. I have realized that sacrifice on the horizon is beautiful, but sacrifice in your face can be tough and dry and hard. Do I really know what it means to live to be forgotten? To truly surrender everything I have and everything I am on this earth in confidence of the glorious salvation God has promised? I'm still not sure. There are times when the biggest thought in my mind is that my heart is wicked about all else.
Luckily, God knows me. He knows me better than I know myself. Right when he started getting deep and personal with this new desire gave me a friend that I feel has been operating under this mindset for much longer than I have. Someone I can bounce ideas off of and get honest, intelligent, and insightful answers from. Its almost like God knew exactly what I would need!
I think its all part of the life long process of learning to take up my cross daily. Not weekly or yearly, but daily. To truly deny myself and the longings of my flesh. God has every right to ask this of us and smite us the minute we fail. But He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. He usually refrains from the immediate smiting. Instead he equips to do good works that He prepared beforehand. He holds our hand through the process and picks us up when we fall. He gives us community to support us and be supported by us. He helps us through the tough times and rejoices with us in the good. He is not just a good God, but a loving one.